I'm having a hard time, someone slap me please?

my grandmother was my dearest friend, we were extremely close. my mom said our bond started on day one, she was the first to hold me. she died 2 years ago next month. i think everyone expected me to take it the hardest and i thot id be ok. i guess i umed that my experience from taking care of the elderly, my being around death every day and knowledge of the grieving process would save me from emotion. when in fact its made it worse. i took care of her at home til she needed nursing care. i was so angry that she couldnt just beat past it. sometimes i couldnt bring myself to c her, something that used to make me hate ppl when i worked in a home. she got worse, got put in hosp. out of town and stroked to the point of early onset dementia. kidney failure followed and there was no dialisis options due to her state. i had to make the decision to stop intervening. her last words to me were, "are u my granddaughter, shes funny." she flatlined while i held her hand amd while ppl in the room started screaming. i saw her nerves twitch, and despite my knowledge, i thot she might be coming back. she had just turned 62. i really dont know what to do. i lost my direction and until it happened to me, i didnt understand what that meant. she was a writer and ive read everythin 3 times or more. i cant focus. i lost my job. im too anxious to start college. i moved in with relatives, i literally do nothing. i was so comsumed at one point my catholic mother blessed the house because she believed i was being haunted by the misery that was left behind, and believed i was reliving the final emotions of my gma. i miss her all the time. i get physical pain from sadness, my heart actually hurts. i sleep all day, up all night. i dont know how to press on, the fact that i have to live the rest of my life without her, and im in my 20s, kills me. no one seems to get what my prob is. they think i should b fine by now. need some advice very much. please, thanks, sorry